Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
