I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
