when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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