I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
