Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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