Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
