2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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