I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
