i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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