Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
