What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
