I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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