I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
