I wish I could teleport
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
