a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
