you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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