how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
