Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize