You can't special order awesome
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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