how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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