first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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