I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
