You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
