Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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