You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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