his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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