Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
