so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
