you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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