You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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