are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
