is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It's just like the Real World with babies
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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