you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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