Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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