To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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