I met the friendliest cop last night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
