i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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