I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
