There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
