i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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