That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
