Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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