watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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