How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
