I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I skipped work to stalk him.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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