tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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