Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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