I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
