I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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