Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
