There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
