there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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