My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
