nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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