TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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