they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
