eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
