I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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