you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
