since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
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This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
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My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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