Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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