how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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