Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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