Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
