I think my fart just growled at me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize