How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
