im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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