What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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