woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
As shirtless as possible
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
