It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
