Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
